Walking with Grief: Insights from Saint Therese Pastoral Care Directors

“There is no timetable for grief; it unfolds in its own way, in its own time.” – Unknown

On August 30, we pause to honor Grief Awareness Day—a reminder that grief is both universal and deeply personal. At Saint Therese senior living communities, grief is not an abstract idea. It is woven into the daily lives of residents, families, and caregivers alike.

To better understand this journey, we spoke with five of our pastoral care directors, who accompany people through life’s most difficult transitions. At Saint Therese, we are proud to have full-time pastoral care directors in our communities, ensuring that compassionate spiritual support is always present. Their reflections remind us that grief is not something to “get over,” but something to live with, honor, and grow through.

Grief in Daily Life at Saint Therese

Each director shared that grief extends beyond the moment of death. It includes the loss of independence, the decline of health, the move into senior living, or even the passing of a fellow resident or staff member.

• Duane Bauer of Saint Therese of Woodbury emphasized the importance of normalizing grief. “What would it be like if you didn’t grieve your spouse? We grieve because we were in relationship. A new normal has to come out of it.” His role, he says, is to listen more than talk, to walk alongside without judgment, and to create sacred moments of farewell such as “sacred sending” rituals for families and staff.

• John Ilkka at Saint Therese of Oxbow Lake speaks about grief as a deeply personal and non-linear process. He emphasizes that there are no “magic words” to take away someone’s pain. Instead, his role is to listen, provide space, and reassure people that whatever they are feeling is valid. “The simplest thing is, whatever you’re feeling is ok. Grieving takes time, and it’s hard work,” he shared. For John, honoring grief means letting people lead the way—sometimes needing presence, sometimes needing space—and always being authentic.

• Beth O’Hare-Fisher at Saint Therese – IHM Senior Living often encounters grief during visits, when new residents open up about the loss of a spouse or sibling. She organizes Circles of Sharing, where residents gather to name and remember those who have died. For her, the key is acknowledging loss and affirming feelings without rushing the process.

• Mollie Dvorak of Saint Therese of Corcoran speaks passionately about anticipatory grief—the mourning that begins even before a loved one passes. She uses books like Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss, and The Invisible String to help residents and staff process emotions. For her, grief is not something to fix, but something to witness with compassion.

• Mary Lou Swinerton of Saint Therese St. Mary of the Woods adds that grief is a life event that encompasses the whole community. “It requires that we recognize that our Saint Therese community is bigger than our specific place. The entire community—residents, families, and staff—grieve. We must recognize this collective grief, name it, and honor it. It may be a sudden death of a resident’s son across the country, a memorial service for a resident’s loss, or even the bittersweet moment when someone leaves the community to be closer to family. Journeying with residents and staff in grieving means understanding that grief is not a one-size-fits-all event.”

Together, these directors show us that grief is not just about endings—it is also about presence, memory, and care.

Gentle Practices for Navigating Grief

From these conversations, five guiding practices emerge:

1.       Give Yourself Permission

Grief doesn’t follow a timetable. It can show up as sadness, anger, relief, or even laughter. Whatever you’re feeling is valid.

2.       Tell Your Story

Sharing memories of a loved one keeps their presence alive. Whether in a support group, a circle of remembrance, or over coffee with a friend, storytelling helps heal.

3.       Lean into Community

As Duane noted, grief is less overwhelming when shared. Find a faith group, a grief support circle, or simply a trusted listener.

4.       Practice Self-Care

Grief can exhaust body, mind, and spirit. Be gentle with yourself. Rest, eat well, pray or meditate, and allow space for your own healing.

5.       Embrace the “New Normal”

Life after loss will not be the same—but in time, it can hold meaning again. The journey is not about “moving on,” but about moving forward.

A Shared Journey

At Saint Therese, grief is not something to be avoided. It is something to be honored—with listening ears, compassionate presence, and rituals of remembrance. As our pastoral care directors remind us, grief is a sign of love, and love always has the final word.

Shown above (left to right, top row): Duane Bauer, John Ilkka, Beth O'Hara-Fisher, Mollie Dvorak and Mary Lou Swinerton.